effervescent reflections

Some thoughts on the tension between religion and individual rights

We always follow our desire

Here and Now there is a stirring inside my head.
There are mistaken identities that manifest themselves in the heat of mental struggle each day. One of these issues is the battle between what is really happening in the minds of other people regarding me. There is an issue of pride that seems to rear its ugliness out into the light of day when I least expect it. There are small epiphanies that ride on whispered feelings, they happen briefly before they explode into a surrogate example of ignorance. Never before have I had the same clarity, never before has this dark creature spread and sunk its claws into the recess of my soul. This demonic possession beleaguers the heart. The harassment is worst in the moments that leave me feeling like a ghost. Wondering if I can bear the thought of another second of introspection. This is my battle, a battle all humans share, albeit in different forms.

“The self” becomes an enemy. In one sense this is good. As it is the truth missing from the silly idea that we all must be dripping with self esteem. This view would collapse the mind in on a swollen heart. Poetic abstracts aside, one must recognize that both the lack of self worth,(my case) and the bellow of pride so common today are both responses to an inner problem. Every person has to reconcile the confusion in their being. This is an ontological necessity that is no mere aspect of being, but rather a presupposition for being. Each person must define the problem. Once set these parameters determine the possible answer sets. In cases such as mine, the inner depravity of the mind is obvious. providing ample ammunition and opportunity to crush any attempt at self esteem, especially in terms of one’s own accomplishments. This is merely a reverse pride. Pride is the retaliation of human souls against God.

Word

I think that words have power. They can build romances, ruin friendships, stifle wars, capture imaginations. What else can make such claims? It is in words that we spell out what we think, say, and do. They are the medium we use to communicate. Words are the atoms of language. The metaphorical scotch tape that holds everything together. For it is by words that we understand, wonder, question, inspect, elaborate, and know. Some may object to this. They might shrug their shoulders and say “my feelings are inexplicable, no words can do them justice.” I always laugh because it sounds like a joke. Though at times words are hard to come by, ultimately they are pervasive. Though feelings are hard to explain, in calling them inexplicable you are explaining them, with WORDS! Such irony is not lost, such humor is obvious because you speak my language. Maybe I spoke too soon. ”Do you like, speak English? I mean this is America, you know? We should totally all speak English.” No respect for other languages is funny when you don’t speak English properly.

So words are losing their meanings, which frankly is all they have. For they are nothing more than beautiful place holders, like a fine china set. Dishes are nouns, and utensils verbs, etc. You get the idea. What happens when you drop dishes on the ground? They shatter. Useless, right? What happens when you tear words from their meanings, and make them mean any damn thing? They shatter. Useless. 

Ideals, perfection, acceptance-criss crossed thoughts.

I have ideals. I have mind pictures. They are solid. They are wonderful. They are to be strived for, yet, I fail. I never reach the perfection I see. Where do pragmatism and idealism meet? Do they? When they do, they exchange pleasantries like enemies. Eyeing one another with malicious intent, waiting for that wrong move one of them is bound to make. So acceptance doesn’t matter. At least not in the way I first thought. It isn’t important that I’m the best. Or that I do a good enough job, to earn some fleeting sense of accomplishment. It’s about God. Accepting His love. Not questioning his genuine affection. It’s faith. It’s confidence. Therefore, work for Him, not some ideal. It will change how you think.

Self worth

I relive moments in old memories that leave me panting and desiring for feelings that I seldom get in the way I expect them. Many of them have to do with relationships. With a heavy heart my mind sears my actions into the back of my skull, my teeth gnash at the sight. I cringe as my brain trips over the subtleties I miss again, and again. By mixing what I feel, with what I think, I’ve placed myself in a position that, for some reason appears untenable on the worst of days. The clinch is that, as far as I know, my position is absolutely acceptable. It is only in my own mind, in the occasional bouts of unworthiness that my person appears to be so socially poor. In each life there are moments of both positive and negative affirmation. From family, friends, and the like. The trick seems to be in the act of filtering the truth out of the feedback we receive. Seems simple right? Then why do so many struggle with it? It isn’t just me. The question then becomes: Who determines our worth? Is it God, yourself, media, family, friends, or something else? 

Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion
It carves, and perpetuates a near dystopian state of residence within the mind.
While there it whispers in the most primitive of voices about all the possibilities of loss, targeting our insecurities, attempting to rot our most beloved truths at their very foundations. How should it be dealt with? 

The answer, lies in faith.